This morning I was making scrambled eggs and waffles while Adam was hiking in the Santa Monica mountains with Jake the dog.
When he and the dog returned, breathless, I scooped the eggs into a plate, buttered the waffles, and added cream to Adam’s favorite tea. Then I mentioned the top news story I had just heard on the radio — Coretta Scott King had passed away.
When a second news report started, Adam said conversationally, "Why are they focusing on her — she’s just a wife."
Just a wife is something that — despite my best intentions, I myself have become.
This became clear about eighteen months ago, when I met up with an attorney friend and her friend whom I was meeting for the first time.
At the spa, while we were waiting, one of the women I didn’t know asked what I did. My friend answered before I could even open my mouth to speak. "Oh, she’s just a housewife."
Not one to show my ass in public, I just smiled, nodded, and talked about some of the projects I’m working on. But when I got home, I was forced to reevaluate . Is that all that I am?
I no longer practice law, so no one calls me counselor. I don’t have any kids, so I’m not, ‘just a mom.’
I strongly believe how we are perceived effects how we are treated. Am I ‘just a wife?’ I don’t think so. But if that’s what others see — I’ll have to think about changing that.
January 31, 2006 at 6:45 pm
I said, she was just HIS wife, referfing to the famous civil rights leader. I did not say she was just a wife. There is a difference. Dr. King should be remembered for his contributions to the nation and the world, adding a voice (and an eloquent one) for those many would rather ignore. His wife, while a good person in her own right, is not him. I do not think that every spouse–husband or wife–or significant other, for that matter, of a famous person necessarily warrants the treatment that the famous person enjoys. That was my only point.
My aim was not to relegate Ms. King to just one role, or to make a value judgment on that role. Obviously, Ms. King was more than a wife, she was a mother, a daughter, etc. But she may also be defined (and should be defined) by her own qualities, apart from her familial relationships with others. No person, in my view, is “just a” wife or husband or son or daughter or lawyer or doctor or janitor or democrat or republican or criminal or race-car driver or whatever. We all have value inherent in our many different qualities.
Jessica, you know I think of you as something more than “just a” wife. Honestly, I rarely think of you as a wife because that word barely begins to describe you. You are intelligent, talented, accomplished, educated, generous, beautiful, funny, dedicated, and so much more.
The fact that some “friend” described you as just a housewife indicates very little to me, and should to you as well. Your friend may know the person who asked what you did (and whom you do not know) and may be under the impression that she would be impressed by your purportedly being a housewife (some people are). She may have wanted to cut the conversation short. Who knows?
The point is, my remark about the radio spending time discussing the death of a famous person who was married to a much more famous person, does not say squat about what I think about you or Ms. King. It was a commentary on the radio filling time.
February 10, 2006 at 9:53 pm
I think President Bush is “just” an
a–hole. Where might that fit into this discussion?