I’m looking for a new bank — one that pays interest.  Right now, I have too many checking accounts — because no one bank can do it all.

I have the traditional credit union account.  Which actually pays interest — but doesn’t have an ATM within a days drive of my house, doesn’t do automatic bill paying — and on-line banking — maybe in the future.  But they don’t screw around with your money — and they pay a whopping 2.37% interest.

Then there’s the real account with one of those on-line banks that used to pay interest - E*Trade.  Sure they have bill pay and extensive on-line banking — but there’s no ATM within the sound of my voice and if you want phone help — be prepared for a wait — a very long wait.  I took me six months of waiting an hour at a time to get a new ATM card.  Interest?  Nah.  I just got a note from them indicating that even if I had a balance of fifty thousand dollars, they would only pay .8 % — yes that’s just eight tenths of a percent.  Don’t go betting your retirement on this one.

Last I’ve got the local bank.  They don’t even pretend to pay interest.  I only have the account so that I can access cash from an ATM for less than five dollars per transaction (when factoring in both bank’s fees).  I never keep more than a couple of hundred dollars in there — because no interest is just a free loan to the bank — and I’m not in the free money business.

Am I too naive for thinking that there’s gotta be some bank that does it all?  Alan Greenspan II (also known as Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke) says the economy is chugging along and the prime rate keeps rising.  Mortgage interest rates are spiraling upwards, and credit card rates chug forward aggressively, but I can’t get anyone to pay me a dime on my bank deposits.

Clearly I should be in the lending business.

Talk about incentive to save.  How can compounding work if no one’s paying any interest?  And don’t even talk to me about the stock market.  Someone’s making money, but it’s not me.

The longer I mess around looking for a bank that doesn’t charge you to breathe — and do any banking tasks — the more I admire my poor clients from back in the day.  They all kept their money in the house because they thought it was safer.  Seeing as how banks can nickel and dime you with fees that eat away at anything you have — they may have had a point.

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