For the first time in 10 years, I’m not actively looking for a job.  I’m very frustrated with trying to fit a round peg (me), into a square hole (traditional jobs).

Looking back on how I spent my time in Los Angeles, I’m struck with how much time I’ve spent applying for jobs I could do with my eyes closed, interviewing for jobs (many I interviewed for more than four or five times), buying interview clothes (to go with weight gain and loss), and keeping my fingers crossed.  I can’t think of one thing I’ve gained from the experience, except an understanding that I’m not not the right fit.  I’m too black, too educated, too experienced, too driven, somehow just not right.

One of the blogs I read regularly (Romancing the Blog) opened a topic of discussion on what we’d do with our five lives.  All of my alternatives, of course, have me in a job.  In two scenarios I imagine myself living in New York City (Manhattan, even!), working as a journalist or in publishing.  In one scenario I live in Los Angeles working in television programming.  Oddly the scenario I’m living would not be on my list.

I never contemplated a life in LA that involved me living on the fringes of law or entertainment, and working on my yoga practice, or training for a 10K.

Redefining oneself is difficult, but I’m going to try to take the time (and not think about money lost) to figure out how to best live those remaining years.  The first step, though, will be not spending three or four hours looking at job ads, networking with reluctant advisers, and applying for jobs I know I’ll never get.